Episode 4: The Body Shakes as the Heart Breaks.
The alarm clock is a death knell. Your head aches, the sun slashes your eyes. Remember when drinking and casual sex were fun?
Get up, fucker, time to embrace the cliches of your age: live for the gym, make peace with being alone, don’t expect anyone to call you back ever, enjoy Snapchat. When he left the old world burned away. In the ashes, what remains?
Music, always music.
You could hear it on Main Street in Lexington, Kentucky from two blocks away when you were 19 with an ID that said you were 21--diva music rising like a fist in the night. Beer bottles thrown through windows of passing pickup trucks.
But the music: euphoria, heartbreak, release, survival.
Pull on your gym shorts even if they don’t fit you anymore, put on a shirt he bought you. Fuck it. You’re going to the gym.
You always told yourself you hated gay bars, but God what you wouldn’t give for one now that GPS-based apps have taken over. At least back then you could be dismissed in-person.
And that year on the road with him, the year you will never get back, you did it for love you’ll say when the great imaginary autobiography of your life is finally written. You tell yourself you gave it all you had, but what did that ever get you?
Shadow (Acappella) Chromatics
Open Source Sound Piece (Not sure!)
Ghosttown (Offer Nissim Drama Remix) Madonna
Do It Again (Denis Koyu remix) Royksopp, Robyn
Glimmer (Stereojackers vs. Mark Loverush Club Mix) Delerium featuring Emily Hanines
Flavor (Big Room Mix) Tori Amos, Peter Rauhofer
Who Needs Pain (Extended Mix) Super8 & Tab featuring Jan Burton
Burst (Switchbox Remix) Deya Dova
What is Real? Tigerskin, Lazausman
Running to the Sea (Pachanga Boys Remix) Royksopp featuring Susanne Sundfor
Running to the Sea (Man Without Country Remix) Royksopp featuring Susanne Sundfor
Sunday (Klangkarussel Remix) Max Manie
Shadow (Michel's Runaway Edit) Chromatics
True love, soul mates, twin flames, souls who chased each other across lifetimes. This is what we believed—how do you survive a love like that when it ends in only flames?
Pull on your gym shorts, go to the gym.
You’re way too close to forty and already the twinks call you “daddy.”
Fuck it. Pull on your gym shorts, go to the gym, try not to drink so much tonight.
Your side of things may never be heard. Fuck it. You can’t hide from the world forever. If he was dead you could grieve, but he is not dead. Pull on your gym shorts, get to work.
The body shakes as the heart breaks.
There is no spirituality without the vitality of a body.
The body: purification through sweat, through motion, through lust for other bodies.
The body: more than pixels on a computer screen—the supermarket of desire.
The body, let it move, let it heal.
This is who you were. This is who you are. Let the music find your way back.
Technical Notes: This mix is an homage to the DJ culture of gay clubs in the late 90’s/early 00’s. While all of the songs in this mix are relatively new, the tunes have deep roots in that culture. Featured here are mixes that run long, builds that are sweeping and dramatic, the calling of muses/divas. I let the songs play, let the stories be heard, built a mega narrative from all these synchronized moments. In putting this together, I was most surprised by the third act, starting around minute 39, the way this mix finds an unexpected narrative—how the melodrama rises to a point of hyperbolic collision where real, more subtle emotions might freely be released. I love the quiet moment at minute 50, and the unravelling that follows. This mix is energetic and bright, it’s meant to be moved to, while still channeling something dark in me that I have to let go of.
The body shakes as the heart breaks.